Letting go
by White Crescent
Summary: Random ficcy! If you are a pro-Squinoa fan... Experimented with Squall... so I dare you to peep!


Letting go

His piercing eyes stared out into the endless horizon of the night. No stars glittered and watched from their heavenly confinement at that moment. None.

And he was alone in the balcony; the party hall long deserted.

He reached into his pocket gingerly, not wanting to see that mark that she was no longer his, again.

He breathed in fresh air deeply, shutting his eyes tight, as if the moment his eyes would lay on the crispy paper with those revelations written on it, he would die.

And exhaled, opening his eyes as well.

He then lifted the card, the thing, to his eye level and examined it once again.

On the right-hand corner of the card was an anime-ish drawing of Rinoa one hand held up in glee, one eye winking at him. 

"You are invited to Rinoa and Seifer Almasy's Wedding!!!" was informally written on the center of the paper, around it was the elegant border of sapphire blue and silvery gray. 

He narrowed his eyes, not of anger, but amusement towards the card. Selphie, full of art and childish informality, no doubt did the card.

She wouldn't want the wedding to be all too formal. And he wouldn't be surprised if Rinoa loves it.

He sighed and ran his cold fingers into his soft auburn hair.

Much as he loved her, much as she tried to free him from pain…. He just couldn't become close to her too much. It wasn't the shell he'd made. It was the fear of being rejected once she knew what he really was. Once she found out that he was too normal for her.

In fact, nowadays, ever since after the defeat of Ultimecia, the return of Seifer… his mind began to start pointing out how better everyone else than him.

He felt inferior. He may be a hero, the one who'd lead the SeeD against Ultimecia. But thinking back, he felt that he would only be known as the leader, period. Whilst Irvine would be known for his great many abilities both in leaving girls agape by his grin, and by his sharpness when it came to shooting. And Quistis would be known for her beauty, her intelligence, and her fearlessness….

He would always be known as the good-looking leader. And he hated himself for thinking of that, and agreeing.

He took yet another deep breath. Minutes more and the urge to grab the cold hilt of his gunblade would come again. The fascination for the killer blade, the lust for pain and death, would come again.

Why was he so suicidal nowadays? Why did he want to die when everything seems to be just right? Why?

He wanted out. He wanted to be free of this loner side of him. He was a liar, deceiving people that he had moved on, grown up, changed into a more caring young man.

The truth was, that was only for the show.

When alone, when in his room, alone in the final hours 'til daylight would conquered the night, the loner would return, taunting him of how foolish he was to do this, that… everything involving others.

He wished someone would just see through him. See through the fact that he needed help desperately.

He hated it. But he was still alone. No father, no mother, no family.

"Rinoa." He whispered absentmindedly, letting the wind carry it off into the night, hoping that somehow the night would just turn to day finally. His night, not the night that covered the skies with never-ending darkness everyday. He wished that someone would just talk to him, force everything out, everything.

"You're too soft Rinoa. Too soft for me…. I just can't…." he whispered before burying his hands into his hands and feeling the contrast of hot and cold in his skin.

His hands were cold, his mind wasn't.

He wanted someone to force those feelings out. Someone aggressive….

__

The reason I loved following orders, never breaking them, is because they never require thinking. They focus your mind to the job, forcing into it the idea that that was an order not for the breaking and never for failure. 

….Every single order occupied my mind….

………I want to be conquered by orders…..

And he knew that if only someone could convince his mind that he was only hers, that she was there for him…. that she clearly didn't want secrets hidden from her.. then he would finally start mellowing.

Rinoa was not that. She was too soft, too giving.

His hand reached for the hilt of his blade and clenched around it. He clenched his eyes as well, his mind forcefully visioning himself lifting the blade up. Then watching his reflection on its blade and staring and assessing the pain in those stormy eyes.

Then gently, slowly, coldly lifting his left hand to stare at it, especially at his wrist were there, faintly visible, was his veins.

Then cutting it.

He imagined their shock the minute they find him. Imagined their hypothesis at what cause him to commit suicide. 

Imagined the moment they realized that their leader was indeed in a silent battle against himself. In need, in desperate need. And rushing him to the clinic to save him.

Then succeeding…..

He imagined how life would be better then, how life would suddenly turn for the good. How Rinoa and him would finally find true unhindered love.

But that was just a fantasy. He knew well, that he would die. And that it was near to impossible for them to guess what had caused him to do that.

They would think that he did that in desperation and at the loss of his beloved. 

That, he knew, would cause unbearable guilt to Rinoa….

He opened his eyes suddenly, and started breathing fast and deeply.

He wouldn't want that….

He wouldn't want to ruin his beloved and Seifer's future. Never.

He loved her and he knew the only everlasting gift he could give Rinoa was the assurance that he was not hurt in her decision, that he would continue life….

He took his hand away from the hilt and looked up the sky.

The moon was now there, shining brightly, proudly though it was alone….

He then smiled, the depression passed away.

He should wait for love. For the real someone to free him from his loneliness.

And he wondered who that one might be….

He suddenly realized that the invitation card was no longer in his hand and started feeling his pockets in search of it. And he had a good number of pockets.

He took a few minutes to find it and found it carefully tucked in the pocket of his leather jacket.

He pulled it out and opened it. A small, neatly folded paper was inside, a small note written on it in a neat handwriting. 

" Squall,

If you don't think I should marry Seifer…. You just tell me, 'kay? We can always give it another try. Please, just be honest to yourself. You can't turn back time.

Rinoa."

He smiled gently as he stuffed the card inside his jacket and started a journey to his dorm.

-----

Rinoa Heartilly Almasy sat at the edge of the sofa, smiling and refreshed from the good night sleep, with her husband. She reached for the remote control and switched the television on.

Her husband was still asleep, they were still in their two-week honeymoon, and she found herself wanting to play the recording of the party that came after their wedding, again.

The screen blinked before showing an enthusiastic Selphie waving at the camera and starting to explain what was going to happen… and what had happened. Selphie was wearing a pale-yellow knee-length dress that allowed her to sprint across the ball whenever she felt that something was worth recording. It also had some splendid embroidery of roses on certain parts of it making it look so wonderfully elegant.

She paused the recording and fast-played it to the scene she loved best, catching a glimpse of Quistis' beautiful wine red gown as she stood talking with Seifer. Quistis looked like a goddess, and Rinoa couldn't help wonder if ever her Seifer would have loved Quistis instead of her. But that would never be answered unless she asked.

She remembered Irvine's dashing tuxedo in the party as he took her hand and led her to a dance that, according to him, would be the last…

She finally stopped searching through the recording and sighed as she played it.

There he was, the commander of the SeeDs lifting a glass of champagne, standing in his tuxedo, piercing stormy eyes noticeable still.

"I intentionally wanted to say, 'I hope you and Seifer will have a wonderful life away from all hardships.' But I figured that wasn't appropriate. I've learned a lot from being with you, Rinoa, and I learned that it is hardships that bring hearts together. And what I would say now, is that I hope that you two will always make it through whatever hardship is thrown into your life—" he lifted his glass up higher, "Long life to you two, many children… And I wanted you two to know that whatever it is that you need, I'll be here to help." He gave a playful smile that was so rare. "If you want me to help." He added in a low tone that had brought a grin on Seifer's lips.

Squall continued. "I also wanted to say how grateful I am that I met Rinoa. And I wanted to thank her for the things I learned by being with her…."

The scene was ending…

"….I also want you two to know that this will forever be a day to remember for me, and something to remind me that to love is to let go. And, you two really deserve each other, cheers?"

The sound of clinking glasses filled the room and teases were voiced on how dramatic Squall's speeches always were. But Rinoa did not care. She was too overwhelmed with joy.

And an arm readily supported her and comforted her. 

-----

Disclaimer: I'm not in the mood to go write it there on top. Just decided to write it here then! Squall and all the FF characters used in here are NOT mine! Go figure who owns them…. It certainly isn't Disney or Microsoft….

Author's note: Sheesh! This came out suddenly. *dodges fruits thrown by Squinoa fans* Heeey!! Believe me, I did NOT mean to write it like this! I had wanted to write that Rinoa and him came to an argument blah blah blah…. But I guess I gave it some thoughts…. First off, I have to confess that I had and urge to add a strong hint of Quall in this, but I decided that Quistis wasn't the only one that seems more appropriate for Squall… *dodges another batch* Honestly, I don't really like Qualls, let alone Rinoa+ Seifer pairing…. But uh, I just wanted to try something out. Squall was a man who lived by the book…. Well you get the point. Comments/reviews are welcome, critiscm as well… but please avoid those flames!! –This was done without music!— _ I know… kinda OOC…… _ pure loner thing thinking…….

~*~*White Crescent 


End file.
